Front Lines
Dispatches from the front of the War on Reason
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IGUANA ARMY ON THE MOVE
December 17, 2005 Reports are coming in of an army of giant green iguanas crossing the Rio Grande into the southern U.S. under cover of darkness. The iguanas, thought to number in the millions, have been making the northward trek across central America for several weeks, their numbers swelling on the march as fresh animals from local populations join the horde. Infrared satellite pictures reveal a strangely well-ordered mass of the reptiles dozens of yards wide and up to four miles long streaming across the border just west of Laredo, TX. Zoologists are baffled by this extraordinary development. "It's a new behavior," said Dr. Anton X. Zaragoza, a reptile expert whose book "Wisdom of the Lizard" was a smash bestseller among reptile fanciers. "Iguanas don't usually march in serried ranks. They seem almost to have a purpose, especially as they are all carrying this strange emblem." Dr. Zaragoza held up a grainy photograph showing a group of the animals wearing what appeared to be a vest of some sort emblazoned with a large red 'D'. Purposeful or not, the iguanas are not thought to pose a threat to the inhabitants of south Texas. "Although it can grow to over six feet in length," said Dr. Zaragoza, "Iguana Iguana is a herbivore. At the worst, they will eat some crops." Local authorities were anxious to reassure residents. "We're keeping a close eye on the situation," said a spokesman for the Laredo PD. "Good news is they ain't armed." The ultimate destination, if any, of the iguana army is still a mystery. |
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NEW FEARS OF ID PANDEMIC
December 10, 2005
The strain, known as ID-K (for Intelligent Design Kansensii), is currently only a danger to the faithful. However there are very real concerns that it could mutate at any time, allowing it to spread to non-believers. "The danger is very real," said Dr. Olga M. Endel, of the CDC in Atlanta. "With more young people being exposed to the ID-K strain, the pathogen could jump the brain/reason barrier at any time. If it does that – and we believe it will -- there's every likelihood that ID-K will share its own DNB (dubious notion baloney) with ordinary DNB to create a dangerous new pandemic strain." "We're long overdue for a pandemic of unreason," she cautioned. "The last one was the pet rock craze back in the 1980s. Before that, in the 1950s, we had the Red Scare. And so on all the way back to the Spanish Inquisition." When asked if she wasn't being too alarmist, Dr. Endel said, "Well, nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition, did they?" Other experts are less certain. Mr. A. Luny, of the Uncovery Institute in Seattle, questioned the notion that ID-K poses any danger to the public. "ID is God's own handiwork," he contended, hopping up and down to underscore his point, "and it would be blasphemous to impede its spread!" Our interview with the Uncovery Institute spokesman was interrupted by the arrival of two men in white coats, who deftly helped Mr. Luny into a tight, form-fitting sleeveless shirt and led him away. The debate is expected to continue. |
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The ID debate rages in Kansas |
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INSURGENTS HIT DARWIN EXHIBITION November 23, 2005 Frightened by the growing creationist insurgency in the War on Reason, American companies scattered for cover when asked to sponsor the new Darwin exhibition at the American Museum of Natural History in New York. The well-planned and heavily-funded insurgency, rooted in the tribal
areas of rural North America, has proved difficult to eradicate, and is
growing increasingly bold in its attacks on the power centers of U.S.
culture. "Our hands are tied," said a science source, speaking under conditions of anonymity from a bunker near the Kansas state line, where the fighting is at its fiercest. "Conventional logic doesn't touch them. At this rate, we may be forced to go irrational." The use of irrational weapons is of course forbidden by international
treaty.
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