The Mission

"We're on a mission from God." -The Blues Brothers

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LISTEN UP, SINNER!!

You've tried it all: booze, DOPE, Prozac, even RELIGION, but still your spirit knows no PEACE. Therapy, Yoga, LOOSE WOMEN… nothing works. You feel EMPTY and HOLLOW.

Face it, you worthless SINNER -- what you really want is a PURPOSE for LIVING. But you missed something in your SEARCH… the ONE, the ONLY thing that can bring the PEACE and JOY that you so crave… and that something is TRUTH!

Only by allowing DARWIN into your life can you throw away those CRUTCHES and overcome ANGER, BOREDOM, and STRESS. Once you open your HEART to the MIRACLES of Evolutionary SCIENCE, everything else will follow. CURIOSITY and an open MIND will banish all the old FEARS and lead you to a RICH and SATISFYING life! So don't delay – be like the THOUSANDS of others who have taken DARWIN into their heart and brought the pure LIGHT of REASON into their lives!

DARWIN BORN AGAIN!

The precise causes of Mr Darwin's miraculous resurrection (see article below) remain a mystery.

In life, Mr. Darwin was always a reasonable and modest man. All he wanted was to be left in peace to study his worms and beetles. He never asked to be reborn.

Some scientists think that the massive amounts of neuristic energy generated by his detractors over the years may have reached a critical threshold, resulting in a catastrophic breach of the matter/energy interface. As a result, and fully in accordance with Newton's third Law of Motion (which states that every action has an equal and opposite reaction,) his enemies may have precipitated an irreversible phase change that brought him back from the 'other side'.

Mr. Darwin, clearly extremely unhappy about this development, has promised to 'kick posteriors' using every tool the modern age has to offer.

Mr. Darwin promises to 'kick posteriors'

From The London Times, November 8, 2005:

DARWIN SPINS IN GRAVE

There are mounting rumours of odd goings-on in the North Choir aisle of Westminster Abbey. Abbey staff and security guards have complained of electrical faults and malfunctioning security systems over the past several days, but these were generally dismissed as the effects of routine drug or alcohol use among bored employees.

Yesterday, however, a number of ordinary visitors to the Abbey reported seeing a thin, glowing mist or nimbus above the tomb of Charles Darwin.

"It gave me, how you say, a sensation strange," said nineteen year-old Lucille Traponcey, a visitor from Paris. "Like un fantôme, a spirit of the dead. I confess I was quite frighted."

Stranger still was the experience of William Z. Prunell, a car salesman and lay minister from Amarillo, Texas.

"See, I was with a tour group from my church," he began. "If I'd knowed that Darwin fella was buried under my feet, why, I'd probably have waited till nobody was looking and then spit on his stone.

"But then I saw this light. It was so bright my eyes done teared right up, and I fell to my knees; and out of nowhere this beautiful wave of – well, of reason, dang it! -- just whooshed right through me." Mr. Prunell shook his head. "I'll never forget that moment. When I get home, I'm gonna quit my job and go back to college and get me a Master's in Evolutionary Biology !"

Church authorities were quick to dismiss any possible connections between these events and the Kansas school board decision in the U.S. "It's clearly some sort of mass hallucination," said a spokesman. "This kind of thing used to happen all the time in the middle ages."

"Truth does not demand belief. Scientists do not join hands every Sunday, singing, "Yes, gravity is real! I will have faith! I will be strong! I believe in my heart that what goes up, up, up must come down, down, down. Amen!" If they did, we would think they were pretty insecure about it." -- Dan Barker, 'Losing Faith in Faith: From Preacher to Atheist'

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